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This is the way I live. [October 21st, 10:10pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Since when am I at a loss of words? Is it my deep confusion of who I am? Is it my deep confusion of what I want to be? I really don't know. I tempt going back to who I was. But, what was I? I'm told that I didn't know who I was, and that I was sick; however, it seems like it would be easier, at times. To be numb. To have control. To feel beautiful. Pray for me, please.

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A fighter. [June 12th, 8:06pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I feel like this all out of some book or movie and isn't happening to me.
Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts.
I leave tomorrow for Forest View in Grand Rapids.
Thank you for all your support.

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I once was lost, but now I'm found. [October 18th, 9:10pm]
[ mood | happy ]

My faith in God has suddenly come back.
The light at the end of a nine year tunnel has suddenly shone.
My sister e-mailed me.
To many and all of you that probably doesn't seem like a big deal.
But, when your best friend, and your only sister runs away, for no apparent reason, and stops talking to you, it's heart shattering.
After you try so hard to be a part of her life and she only pushes you away, but you still try.
All my trying and hard work has paid off.
This is a life changing event, if only you could all understand.

Hi Hannah!

It was so great to get your message today!  I wanted to let you know that I
got it and I will write you back later.  I need to go run some errands
before Confirmation tonight.

Logan is almost home from Kindergarten and Lucas is crying right now, Ivy is
napping :).  Thanks for tracking me down, I will write back later.  :)

Love you,

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I remember when I lost my mind. [September 11th, 9:09pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

This is sort of random, but does anyone know of a good vacation spot?
It doesn't look like I'll be going with any of my friends on spring break, so my mom and I need to find somewhere fast, incase of passport needs.
Any ideas would be fantabulous.

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Oh, those summer niiiiiiiiiiiiights. [September 4th, 1:09am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Yes, unfortunetly it is the last night of summer, and what a summer it has been. It started out pretty bad. The recital was overwhelming with it being the weekend right after school, and Ricky not showing (even though we weren't together at the time). Then with the whole Jason episode. Ladies, never let a boy tell you you're not good enough, exspecially if he means nothing to you at all. My confidence got pretty battered that month. Rick and I were stupid for letting things get in the way in our relationship and I was even stupider for trying to forget about him by lusting over someone else. After the first week summer started, Eric and Carissa came home, which was wonderful. They stayed for almost a month, which is the most they've been home in three years. Carissa and I got really close, while Eric and I bonded a lot. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and perfect. I had an amazing time with family, and friends. My mom and I were on the dance floor for every song, it was a blast. In the mean time, Katie and I practiced our duet almost every night for Dance Olympus. Even though we only got a silver, I was really happy how we did. Dance Olympus was a lot of fun. I liked being in the teacher room because I got to be with Janna, and the teachers got a lot more personal. My mom and I had a good time in Minneapolis too, shopping and catching up. Rick took me out on movie dates this summer. I never would have thought that would ever happen. We hung out as much as we could, and I feel like our friendship/relationship really changed, for the better. He left me Babycake muffins, a Spiderman doll, flowers, and cards on my porch step on various ocassions. Wether it was because I was sick, or because someone had said something that made me upset the night before, he always tried so hard to make me happy. This summer I learned how to use a sewing machine more efficently. I made purses, and a shirt, I was pretty proud of myself actually. August 2nd was a big day in my life. I don't really want to mention why on here, but it just was. I got a lot closer to my friends and I'm happy about that because this is our last year together.

Also this summer I tried so hard to excersice, and watch what I ate. I lost 10-13 pounds. I don't really know if anyone can tell, but I did. I get to buy a lot of new clothes when I go school shopping because nothing fits, which is exciting. I'm also really proud of myself in that respect too. Even though I feel like I did loose a lot of friends this summer, it's okay because I know that the friends I have are the ones who treasure me and who I treasure. I got even closer with my family. My grandma going through such hard times has made us all really come together. And we all got to meet Papa's neices and nephew finally. It's only been fourty years since he's seen them! I treasure my family so much, and I'm glad I spent so much of my summer with all of them. This school year is going to be intense. We're seniors. I'm a senior. Do you know how long I've been waiting for this? Only 11 years. But really, who can believe it.. not me. I'm not going to let myself get intimidated by my peers, I shouldn't care what people think of me. I'm going to start to wear my glasses more, because I think that is part of the reason why my grades are low. I'm going to not stress as much, because I can't get anymore stress headaches. I'm not going to let old friends who are rude get the best of me, no one should have to go through that. I'm going to try and smile more, because I hear that can make everything a lot better, I don't smile enough. I'm not going to do something stupid to ruin my relationship, it isn't worth it in any way. I'm going to stay close to my family, my brothers, my mom, and my grandparents, they will be the people who are always there for me. Well friends, cheers to the secret dates, cruising Marquette alone (finally getting your lisence), loosing weight, the bonfires at Kyle's, McCarties Cove, swimsuits, tanktops, shorts, the sun, best friends, boyfriend, being happy and having a wonderful summer with no regrets. And heres to the future, I'm ready for you '07/'08. I'm a senior, bow down to me, I'm not letting you get me down this year!

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Oh bother. [August 15th, 12:08am]
[ mood | blah ]

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. -Dante
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I'm gonna love you, like nobody loves you. [June 21st, 2:06am]
[ mood | drained ]

That stupid girl who hit my brother, is an idiot.
Not only because she runs stop signs and hits bikers, but because now she is trying to get out of the ticket and points on her lisence.
My brother had to go to court today and standing in line, guess who is right behind him.. the girl who hit him and her mom.
But they didn't reconize eachother untill this girl's mom starts talking and goes, " Yeah, a car/biker accident. The biker ran into her and damaged our car. ".
LADY! Get it together! Your daughter hit my brother, he has a metal rod in his leg now, and was in a wheelchair for two months. Your daughter had a stop sign, my brother didn't.
This mother was saying this right behind my brother and Carissa in line.
They bit their tounges and didn't say anything.
When they went into the room at the courthouse, the daughter and mom walked in with a shocked look I guess.
Yeah, don't talk behind people's backs, literally.
So, I guess they felt stupid. Which, they should have.
The girl ended up with the two points still taken off her liscence and the fine.
The prosecutor told her she was lucky with only two points off.
Then after, my brother told me he told the family that he was sorry all of "this" had to happen.
I told him he was dumb for apologizing to them, and that he is too nice.
Which is true too.
This all really stresses me out, and I don't even know why.
I guess because my brother Eric is like, a saint to me, and I hate when bad things happen to good people.
And this girl, is so stupid, that I'd probably hit her if I wasn't like three bagillion miles away.
Wow, that sounds really vicious, haha.

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We are a part of a Rhythem Nation. [June 10th, 1:06am]
[ mood | crappy ]

"And if you want to know how a girl survives... just look at who is by her side."
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I want you on my team. [June 4th, 4:06pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Today was bittersweet, but only in my own head. I really didn't think I would be effected by graduation, I never really am. But as I watched the graduates walk across the stage I saw, my first best friend, my first boyfriend, my crazy informal geometry classmates, some enemies, and the people I never thought had an impact on me, but I realized, did. It was, not awkward, not hard, but, sureal to see Tilly on stage. It seems like yesterday that my sister forced me to go across the street and meet her. I hid behind my mom's legs while Tilly was reading a newspaper upside down, to seem smarter. Our friendship turned into so much more. Her family became my second family, and her home became the place where I went when fighting was going on at my own. I could always depend on her. We always would make up dances, sing songs, play board games, play with American Girl dolls, and My Little Pony. When Tilly moved up a grade, I really, truly, thought my life was over. I cried so hard, and tried to get my mom to push me up a grade too. I thought that she'd forget about me, but she never did. I met new friends through Tilly and thought I was as cool as ever. When I was in sixth grade, I felt like such a bad ass already knowing her friends. We're not as close anymore, but I know, whenever I need her, or her family, they'd be there for me in a heartbeat. Now, my first boyfriend, my first heartbreak, is obvious. It is also crazy to know he's done with highschool. It seems like I should be a freshmen and he should be a sophmore, and Ryan should be right at our sides. Spinner rims, third street cruises, frisbee, outhouse races, three muskateers, prison jokes, cheerleading magazines, STEWY!, nba basketball, first times, TWIRP, Christmas dance, okay, and so the list goes on, but the point I'm trying to make is, well, I don't know. Maybe because these two people have effected my life greatly. Others such as Lauren, Urbanski, Marybeth and Natalie, have impacted me also. Congrats everyone.

Now, class of '07, it's all about us.

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No es amor. [June 3rd, 7:06pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Boys are the most confusing things/people on the face of this earth, hell, maybe even in the universe to understand.

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When the stars go blue. [May 21st, 9:05pm]
[ mood | content ]

Prom was wonderful.
I had a really, really good time.
I had the best group, with my closest friends.
We took pictures at the Landmark.
We all looked beautiful and handsome.
Lucy's date never talked, but had some really sweet dance moves.
We gossiped, duh.
The boys ate animals and Lucy was very upset.
It was entertaining.
They played BSB for me.
I went nuts.
I danced the whole time and got really sweaty and gross.
Lucy will always be my prom queen.
And it was a night to remember.
Thank you lovelies.

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Big brother, you're my hero. [April 8th, 1:04pm]
[ mood | cold ]

We call them cool
Those hearts who have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go

And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flames

Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

Get well soon, I love you.

They're so hell-bent on giving
Walking a wire
Convinced it's not living
If you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire

Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
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Sleep with your tounge tied. [April 4th, 10:04pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

So, everything has pretty much been on a crazy rollercoaster since I've been home from Flordia.
My brother is doing better, as good as he can be doing.
I guess he's kind of depressed because reality has set in now that he's out of the hospital.
They have to move into a motel for a while, 'cause his apartment is not wheelchair accesible, and his other choice was nursing home which obviously he didn't want to stay there.
So, my mom went down there today.
I think she'll be there 'till Friday.
And we're going down next Friday.
So, I don't really know how everything is gonna work since he won't be able to walk for 8 months.
It's sad though, like, out of everyone I know, my big brother doesn't deserve this for all the shit he's been through.
Oh well, hey.
He's a fighter.
Everything is really up and down, and confusing.
Times like these I don't know where my heart is.
I don't like feeling like that.
Confusion, the worst.
Boys, the worst.
So, I miss my mom.
We haven't had one normal week of anything since I've been home.
Maybe that is why I'm so exhausted.
They are honestly, really hard.
Or maybe just for me.
But they are very hard, and I need that stupid scholership.
I don't feel good.
And I feel like I have so much to do.
Have a good week.

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Spring Break.♥ [March 30th, 9:03pm]
[ mood | tired ]

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TODAY FOR YOU, TOMORROW FOR ME. [March 29th, 3:03pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

We thought he just had a broken leg.
They put a rod and screws in his leg.
His tendents in his knee are all torn.
His shoulder is broken.
His rotater cuff is shot.
He has to be in a wheelchair for a while.
I really wish I could go see my big brother.
Oh yeah, and Hammerstrom still sucks and hates Kylie and I.

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I've been waiting for tomorrow since New Years. [March 2nd, 9:03pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover

I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love

My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down

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Untill you're back here baby, I miss you. [January 31st, 7:01pm]
[ mood | confused ]

So, with all this dramatic Myspace happenings.
I thought of my sister, cause when I was little, she'd always have insightful ideas, and would always back me up.
I decided to search for her on Google.
I found her.
I found her.
I found her.
I've been looking since May of freshmen year.
I found her.
I found her.
I found her.
I found her email address at the church she works at in Boise, Idaho.
And then I rememberd, today is my neice's third birthday.
Happy Birthday Ivy Mariah, I love you.
I think it's a sign, really I do.
I found her.
I found her.
I found her.

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If only you were here, things would be more magical. [January 29th, 9:01pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Hi, my name is Hannah.
I don't have the same last name as my mom.
I don't know my dad.
My big brother Eric, is my hero.
My favorite color is pink.
I spend more time with my grandparents, than anyone else.
I love to write, and read.
I hate high school, but I like to learn.
I don't want to go to college here, but I'll have to pay my own way if I don't.
I'm too young.
I don't have a friend I can always count on.
Music saves me.
This is the first year I haven't dyed my hair.
I stand up for myself.
I watch Detriot basketball.
Spiderman is my favorite.
I wish Peter Parker was real.
My family is very close.
I waste a lot of time on the computer, and napping.
I never sleep at night.
I get way too many headaches.
I'm in love.
Love scares me.
I miss my childhood with Tilly.
I hate reputations.
I have a lot of regrets, okay, maybe only six.
Freshmen year, spring break '04 are my favorite times.
I don't feel like I'm outgoing enough.
I'm happy when I'm working out.
I like editing pictures, and listening to dorky pop music.
I like dancing.
I like dance partys.
I like dancing on stage.
I like teaching dance to little girls.
I get attached to my brother's girlfriends.
I envy the people I don't like.
I miss ' TOYS R US '.
I was a pimp in middle school.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I love Christmas, because everyone is happy.
I like water.
I like pools, oceans, but best of all, lakes.
I can't stand people who don't respect their mothers.
I wish my life was more exciting.
I wish I didn't have to explain my past to my friends.
I miss Kylie.
I wish I was 18.
I love my bed.
I love my room.
My dog acts like me.
I wish I was as beautiful as Kait.
I wish I had good fashion sense, good humor, and people skills like Lucy.
I wish I was good at something, and had good hair, like Mel.
I wish I had determenation like Adam.
I like icecream and Border Grill.
I hate potatoes.
I think life is an adventure, and in the end, everyone will be happy.

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The one thing keeping a smile on my face. [January 25th, 9:01pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

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I'm living in your letters. [January 16th, 9:01pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

She said, "I've gotta be honest
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here"
And I said, "You must be mistaken
Cause I'm not fooling, this feeling is real"
She said, "You gotta be crazy
What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark?"
"No, you've got wits, you've got looks
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong"

All wrong
All wrong
But you got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

And I said, "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life
For so long I thought I was asylum-bound
But just seeing you makes me think twice
And being with you here makes me sane
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side
You've got wits, you've got looks
You've got passion
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight"

But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

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